“The road was paved with dickheads, backstabbers and pains in the fucking ass, but memories were made, allies were had, pole smokers were toppled and the truth was discovered.” – Kenny Powers
Everyone loves to talk about their favorite shows on TV, but let’s be honest there really is only one program that’s worth tuning into every week. And if you’re reading this than you obviously which show I’m talking about. “Eastbound & Down” recently kicked off season 3 and from what I hear this will be the final season for #55, and while we’re now in Myrtle Beach, S.C. with the Shelby Sensation let’s take some time to revisit the best quotes from season 2 down in Mexico.
CHAPTER 7
Kenny Powers: “I transcend race hombre.”
Kenny Powers: “The wild landscape became my mistress. The wild women my cumcaves.”
Kenny Powers: “And in addition to all that other stuff, Kenny Powers still does not like children.”
Kenny Powers: “Even though you’re Mexican, you seem normal to me.”
Kenny Powers: “Sometimes you have to wash away the paint and reveal the jackass hiding beneath.”
CHAPTER 8
Kenny Powers: “What the hell are you doing up against this wall, trying to creep on me?”
Kenny Powers: “Seeing this house and your fine sword and hearing how you’re importing and exporting Chinamen, let me guess…you must be fucking rich.”
Stevie Janowski: “$22,000 of bread crumbs that led me straight to you motherfucker.”
Kenny Powers: “I’m glad you were able to decipher my Da Vinci Code”.
Kenny Powers: “I hope she’s not just locked up in her house hooked on meds. That’s a slippery slope.”
Stevie Janowski: “Kenny, I kneel before you as a man, begging a much better man, to please let me stay here and join you on this Hispanic Adventure.”
Kenny Powers: “Welcome to the Resistance.”
CHAPTER 9
Kenny Powers: “3D’s gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch wearing glasses popping bubbles out of the air like some sort of fucked up Ray Charles.”
Kenny Powers: “I’m about to go goddamn nuclear in Mexico.”
Kenny Powers: “In America people fucking hate soccer and honestly that’s the way it should be.”
Stevie Janowski: “Who the hell is Big Red?”
Aaron: “Fuck him. And fuck your face. Piece of shit!”
Kenny Powers: “Just cruising around on this eco-friendly deal now. Trying to go green.”
Kenny Powers: “Well it’s no mystery that ass has always been tits’ greatest enemy.”
Kenny Powers: “You know I don’t love the idea of her having a kid. Makes you kind of feel like her uterus is used up.”
Stevie Janowski: “Ha ha ha…the fucking kid is home alone.”
Stevie Janowski: “Kenny there’s some fucking weird Mexicans that came by here yesterday.”
Kenny Powers: “Well, who were they?”
Stevie Janowski: “Some fucking Mongoloid and a fucking dwarf.”
Kenny Powers: “I didn’t just come to Mexico to get drunk and fuck prostitutes…I mean you know I came here for that but I also came here for something else too. I came here looking for a man by the name Eduardo.”
Kenny Powers: “Finally all the pieces are falling together, all the answers I’ve been searching for are on the verge of totally being answered. I’ve put in the goddamn man-hours, the fucking muscles, sweats, tears, now it’s my turn. I got this country wet, now its time to bend this bitch over and make her cum.”
Stevie Janowski: “Villagers and townspeople come see Kenny Powers destroy the competition in Mexico. He’s a national gift from the good people of America to you. Cheer to him, bow to him, worship him. Kenny Powers, he’s “The White Flame” and he’s burning this country to the fucking ground. The White Flame, Mr. Kenny Fucking Powers.”
Stevie Janowski: “Kenny Powers and Barack Obama are two of the most famous people in show business, so fuck him.”
Kenny Powers: “Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.”
Kenny Powers: “Lower the scissors and the tiny blade. Lower them!”
Aaron: “Follow the yellow brick road..ha ha ha!”
Kenny Powers: “Yeah, maybe I’ll find the Ewok village you came from.”
Kenny Powers: “Why don’t you two Charlatans get out of here before I rip that fake mustache off your face.”
Aaron: “Ha ha ha…I always carry two, always….ha ha ha. I’m the king!”
Kenny Powers: “Of what?! Fucking mustaches?!”
Stevie Janowski: “Fuck you!”
Aaron: (Off-screen) “Fuck you too bitch!”
Kenny Powers: “All fuck. It was my fault dude. I should have never trusted a man that size.”
CHAPTER 10
Kenny Powers: “No thank you, I don’t like to hear depressing shit about no name dickheads. This shit is fucking up my vibe. Why are you telling me all this bullshit?”
Roger Hernandez: “You know Kenny, I admire the fact that you’re trying to get back to the majors but you’ve got to stop prantzing around out there and start playing ball.”
Kenny Powers: “Prantzing? Roger when did anyone ever tell you that I’ve prantzed here? Kenny Powers doesn’t prantz!”
Stevie Janowski: “I wish I was your dick man…pfft…pfft…pfft…that’s your dick butt fucking her man.”
Kenny Powers: “Why are you’ll trying to make me out like I’m goddamn Eric Roberts in Star 80?”
Sebastian Cisneros: “I don’t even know who fucking Eric Roberts is man.”
Kenny Powers: “Yeah, of course you don’t. Fucking Best of the Best you asshole!”
Kenny Powers: “Don’t mess with my presets. I will check them.”
Kenny Powers: “I mean how the fuck do you expect me to make a comeback from the goddamn bench?”
Roger Hernandez: “By learning, by practicing, not by shucking and jiving all over the goddamn field.”
Kenny Powers: “You racist motherfucker.”
Roger Hernandez: “Racist? What are you talking about?”
Kenny Powers: “Showing this jive turkey shit to me. You going to talk this jive turkey shit to me Roger? Racism Roger. You want to sit me out than fine, but all I’m saying is you better get the fucking riot gear because you my friend have invited a motherfucking revolution.
Kenny Powers: “Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold, instead you’re just a whore with a regular whore’s heart.”
Kenny Powers: “Stevie you are on fucking Black Ops! There are no girlfriends in Black Ops!”
CHAPTER 11
Kenny Powers: “Why are you shitting in the prison Stevie?”
Stevie Janowski: Stop looking at me shit! Stop it!!!”
CHAPTER 12
Kenny Powers: “You want to pull that Bruce Lee shit with me, I’ll steal that goddamn sword from you like a child and fuck you with it. “
Kenny Powers: “Back up! I’ll take these goddamn computers and put it through your face like a disc in fucking Tron.”
Kenny Powers: “Well look at this, huh, a goddamn Mexican standoff in fucking Mexico. I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.”
Stevie Janowski: “I know technically I should be asking Maria’s father this, but in many ways I feel like you are the father to all the Mexicans here…”
Kenny Powers: “All the ass magic in Mexico can’t change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. I’m not an ass man. I’m a tit man. I like big ass boobs, now and forever.”
Kenny Powers: “Life is not a fairy tale, although sometimes it feels like our world is full of fairies. You know who I’m talking about. (Slap) I still accept you brother.”
Kenny Powers: “Too hot for hugs here man. I’ve been battling the war on swamp ass since I got down here.”
Kenny Powers: “Whenever I look at a Mexican I will think of you. Whenever you look at that jackass, you think of me.”
CHAPTER 13
Kenny Powers: “Let me know when you catch Bin Laden. I’ve got some champagne on ice.”
Kenny Powers: “Feels good to be breaking the laws in America again.”
Kenny Powers: “Light some candles, heat up a Lean Cuisine, and go to town.”
Kenny Powers: “Tampa didn’t really pan out the way I thought it would, so I decided to split and head down to Mexico. Down there, I fought and fucked my way to becoming the greatest gringo that country has ever seen.”
Kenny Powers: “Who’s birthday is it?”
Dustin and Cassie Powers: “Rose”
Kenny Powers: “Who?”
Dustin Powers: “Your niece Rose.”
Kenny Powers: “Oh, yeah Rose, OK, whatever. Anyway I got to get a move on.”
Cassie Powers: “OK.”
Kenny Powers: “Yeah, I got a big old pile of titties waiting for me at the end of the rainbow, but before I can sip upon them, I need to take a big old shit in a fucking American toilet.”
Kenny Powers: “Hey potential homebuyers. I hope y’all know that there were a lot of rapes that happened in this house.”
Kenny Powers: “I’ll admit Clegg. I didn’t think I’d be seeing you again, but it’s nice to know whenever I hit rock fucking bottom, you’ll always be here, waiting with a big old line of cocaine.”
Kenny Powers: “Why don’t you go fuck off? Don’t you got someone you got to give AIDS to?”
Kenny Powers: “It’s better to be strangled by a necklace of Mexicans, than by no one at all.”
Kenny Powers: “Chapter nothing. The fucking epilogue.”
For the best quotes from “Eastbound & Down” Season 1 click HERE.
