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Monthly Archives: February 2012

The Best Quotes From Season 2 of “Eastbound & Down”

25th February, 2012 · Jeff Larsen · Leave a comment

 EBSeason2WHO
“The road was paved with dickheads, backstabbers and pains in the fucking ass, but memories were made, allies were had, pole smokers were toppled and the truth was discovered.”
– Kenny Powers
  

Everyone loves to talk about their favorite shows on TV, but let’s be honest there really is only one program that’s worth tuning into every week. And if you’re reading this than you obviously which show I’m talking about. “Eastbound & Down” recently kicked off season 3 and from what I hear this will be the final season for #55, and while we’re now in Myrtle Beach, S.C. with the Shelby Sensation let’s take some time to revisit the best quotes from season 2 down in Mexico.

CHAPTER 7

Kenny Powers: “I transcend race hombre.”

Kenny Powers: “The wild landscape became my mistress. The wild women my cumcaves.”

Kenny Powers: “And in addition to all that other stuff, Kenny Powers still does not like children.”

Kenny Powers: “Even though you’re Mexican, you seem normal to me.”

Kenny Powers: “Sometimes you have to wash away the paint and reveal the jackass hiding beneath.”

EBZonkeyWHO

CHAPTER 8

Kenny Powers: “What the hell are you doing up against this wall, trying to creep on me?”

Kenny Powers: “Seeing this house and your fine sword and hearing how you’re importing and exporting Chinamen, let me guess…you must be fucking rich.”

Stevie Janowski: “$22,000 of bread crumbs that led me straight to you motherfucker.”
Kenny Powers: “I’m glad you were able to decipher my Da Vinci Code”.

Kenny Powers: “I hope she’s not just locked up in her house hooked on meds. That’s a slippery slope.”

Stevie Janowski: “Kenny, I kneel before you as a man, begging a much better man, to please let me stay here and  join you on this Hispanic Adventure.”

Kenny Powers: “Welcome to the Resistance.”

EBmotorcyclejoinsteamWHO
CHAPTER 9

Kenny Powers: “3D’s gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch wearing glasses popping bubbles out of the air like some sort of fucked up Ray Charles.”

Kenny Powers: “I’m about to go goddamn nuclear in Mexico.”

Kenny Powers: “In America people fucking hate soccer and honestly that’s the way it should be.”

Stevie Janowski: “Who the hell is Big Red?”
Aaron: “Fuck him. And fuck your face. Piece of shit!”

Kenny Powers: “Just cruising around on this eco-friendly deal now. Trying to go green.”

Kenny Powers: “Well it’s no mystery that ass has always been tits’ greatest enemy.”

Kenny Powers: “You know I don’t love the idea of her having a kid. Makes you kind of feel like her uterus is used up.”

Stevie Janowski: “Ha ha ha…the fucking kid is home alone.”

Stevie Janowski: “Kenny there’s some fucking weird Mexicans that came by here yesterday.”
Kenny Powers: “Well, who were they?”
Stevie Janowski: “Some fucking Mongoloid and a fucking dwarf.”

Kenny Powers: “I didn’t just come to Mexico to get drunk and fuck prostitutes…I mean you know I came here for that but I also came here for something else too. I came here looking for a man by the name Eduardo.”

Kenny Powers: “Finally all the pieces are falling together, all the answers I’ve been searching for are on the verge of totally being answered. I’ve put in the goddamn man-hours, the fucking muscles, sweats, tears, now it’s my turn. I got this country wet, now its time to bend this bitch over and make her cum.”

Stevie Janowski: “Villagers and townspeople come see Kenny Powers destroy the competition in Mexico. He’s a national gift from the good people of America to you. Cheer to him, bow to him, worship him. Kenny Powers, he’s “The White Flame” and he’s burning this country to the fucking ground. The White Flame, Mr. Kenny Fucking Powers.”

Stevie Janowski: “Kenny Powers and Barack Obama are two of the most famous people in show business, so fuck him.”

Kenny Powers: “Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.”

Kenny Powers: “Lower the scissors and the tiny blade. Lower them!”

Aaron: “Follow the yellow brick road..ha ha ha!”
Kenny Powers: “Yeah, maybe I’ll find the Ewok village you came from.”

Kenny Powers: “Why don’t you two Charlatans get out of here before I rip that fake mustache off your face.”
Aaron: “Ha ha ha…I always carry two, always….ha ha ha. I’m the king!”
Kenny Powers: “Of what?! Fucking mustaches?!”

Stevie Janowski: “Fuck you!”
Aaron: (Off-screen) “Fuck you too bitch!”

Kenny Powers: “All fuck. It was my fault dude. I should have never trusted a man that size.”

EBBigRedWHO

CHAPTER 10

Kenny Powers: “No thank you, I don’t like to hear depressing shit about no name dickheads. This shit is fucking up my vibe. Why are you telling me all this bullshit?”
Roger Hernandez: “You know Kenny, I admire the fact that you’re trying to get back to the majors but you’ve got to stop prantzing around out there and start playing ball.”
Kenny Powers: “Prantzing? Roger when did anyone ever tell you that I’ve prantzed here? Kenny Powers doesn’t prantz!”

Stevie Janowski: “I wish I was your dick man…pfft…pfft…pfft…that’s your dick butt fucking her man.”

Kenny Powers: “Why are you’ll trying to make me out like I’m goddamn Eric Roberts in Star 80?”
Sebastian Cisneros: “I don’t even know who fucking Eric Roberts is man.”
Kenny Powers: “Yeah, of course you don’t. Fucking Best of the Best you asshole!”

Kenny Powers: “Don’t mess with my presets. I will check them.”

Kenny Powers: “I mean how the fuck do you expect me to make a comeback from the goddamn bench?”
Roger Hernandez: “By learning, by practicing, not by shucking and jiving all over the goddamn field.”
Kenny Powers: “You racist motherfucker.”
Roger Hernandez: “Racist? What are you talking about?”
Kenny Powers: “Showing this jive turkey shit to me. You going to talk this jive turkey shit to me Roger? Racism Roger. You want to sit me out than fine, but all I’m saying is you better get the fucking riot gear because you my friend have invited a motherfucking revolution.

Kenny Powers: “Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold, instead you’re just a whore with a regular whore’s heart.”

Kenny Powers: “Stevie you are on fucking Black Ops! There are no girlfriends in Black Ops!”

EBshuckingjivingWHO

CHAPTER 11

Kenny Powers: “Why are you shitting in the prison Stevie?”
Stevie Janowski: Stop looking at me shit! Stop it!!!”

 

CHAPTER 12
Kenny Powers: “You want to pull that Bruce Lee shit with me, I’ll steal that goddamn sword from you like a child and fuck you with it. “

Kenny Powers: “Back up! I’ll take these goddamn computers and put it through your face like a disc in fucking Tron.”

Kenny Powers: “Well look at this, huh, a goddamn Mexican standoff in fucking Mexico. I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.”

Stevie Janowski: “I know technically I should be asking Maria’s father this, but in many ways I feel like you are the father to all the Mexicans here…”

Kenny Powers: “All the ass magic in Mexico can’t change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. I’m not an ass man. I’m a tit man. I like big ass boobs, now and forever.”

Kenny Powers: “Life is not a fairy tale, although sometimes it feels like our world is full of fairies. You know who I’m talking about. (Slap) I still accept you brother.”

Kenny Powers: “Too hot for hugs here man. I’ve been battling the war on swamp ass since I got down here.”

Kenny Powers: “Whenever I look at a Mexican I will think of you. Whenever you look at that jackass, you think of me.”

EBsteviemaria
CHAPTER 13

Kenny Powers: “Let me know when you catch Bin Laden. I’ve got some champagne on ice.”

Kenny Powers: “Feels good to be breaking the laws in America again.”

Kenny Powers: “Light some candles, heat up a Lean Cuisine, and go to town.”

Kenny Powers: “Tampa didn’t really pan out the way I thought it would, so I decided to split and head down to Mexico. Down there, I fought and fucked my way to becoming the greatest gringo that country has ever seen.”

Kenny Powers: “Who’s birthday is it?”
Dustin and Cassie Powers: “Rose”
Kenny Powers: “Who?”
Dustin Powers: “Your niece Rose.”
Kenny Powers: “Oh, yeah Rose, OK, whatever. Anyway I got to get a move on.”
Cassie Powers: “OK.”
Kenny Powers: “Yeah, I got a big old pile of titties waiting for me at the end of the rainbow, but before I can sip upon them, I need to take a big old shit in a fucking American toilet.”

Kenny Powers: “Hey potential homebuyers. I hope y’all know that there were a lot of rapes that happened in this house.”

Kenny Powers: “I’ll admit Clegg. I didn’t think I’d be seeing you again, but it’s nice to know whenever I hit rock fucking bottom, you’ll always be here, waiting with a big old line of cocaine.”

Kenny Powers: “Why don’t you go fuck off? Don’t you got someone you got to give AIDS to?”

Kenny Powers: “It’s better to be strangled by a necklace of Mexicans, than by no one at all.”

Kenny Powers: “Chapter nothing. The fucking epilogue.”

EBWhiteFlameWHO

For the best quotes from “Eastbound & Down” Season 1 click HERE.

 

Posted in TV |

Vanquish Review

9th February, 2012 · Jeff Larsen · Leave a comment

Vanquish Box

Published by: SEGA Developed by: Platinum Games Genre: Third Person

Shooter A great game that no one is playing. Flying under the radar of the CODs, Battlefields and Gears of Wars is one of the more exciting action games to come out in awhile. To say that the game Vanquish holds your attention would be an understatement. You barely have time to breathe let alone feel bored in this non-stop and relentless firefight. At one moment you’ll be dodging attacks in the slow motion bullet time and then you’ll be accelerating form 0 – 60 in seconds thanks to the sliding boost feature. Throw in a few quick time events and you begin to feel like a 75 year-old man trying to cross a busy intersection because of those pesky mechanical horse drawn carriages.

Vanquish boostWHO Boosting, it’s not just for cheap imported cars anymore.

Created by the same developers responsible for the all-time great game Resident Evil 4, including lead director Shinji Mikami, Vanquish prides itself on being fast and furious. You’ll quickly lose yourself killing wave after wave of robots in a very unique and interesting sci-fi atmosphere. The game contains an abundance of cinematic cut-scenes that are very well directed and edited. A variety of weapons keeps the disposing of your enemies fresh, although I could see some gamers finding the combat repetitive. The game’s story is very laughable but the cheesy dialogue and over-the-top characters are part of its charm. Vanquish creates its own identity and sticks to it. The game encourages smoking, drinking, and showcases plenty of short skirt low angle shots of the game’s main female character. Despite racking up a body count that would rival most major wars the game also carries a sense of humor that keeps things fun.

Vanquish bulletsWHO Can you count the number of bullets in this picture?

Those looking for a multiplayer experience will be disappointed because MP is not an option, which I didn’t mind because I couldn’t see multiplayer being feasible due to the bullet time features of the game’s controls. Vanquish is also a very short game. I consider myself someone who takes their time while playing through a game and I beat the main campaign in just under 7 hours (6:59:59 to be exact). I guess this is partly due to the incredibly fast pace of the action. You can start a mission and be done it within in five minutes. Not to say this a bad thing because within those 5 minutes there can be 5 holy shit WTF moments that you don’t experience in other more conventional action games. This is the first game in a long time that I started playing again as soon as I had beaten it. I never do that! Also, if you make it to the end make sure to watch what is perhaps the most clever credit roll in gaming.

4 Over the shoulder tossed cigarettes out of 5

Posted in Video Games |

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