The show “Eastbound and Down” is without a doubt one of the funniest shows that has been on television within easily the last 5 years. So before season 2 kicks off on HBO on September 26th, here are for your pleasure the very best quotes from season 1.
EPISODE 1 – FIRST CHAPTER
Kenny Powers: “Sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.”
Kenny Powers: “Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win, just like in life all my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick everyone.”
Kenny Powers: “I think I’m going to need to change my pants…I’m kidding I didn’t cum in my pants.”
Principal Cutler: “I do plenty of swimming, cycling and running but I’m sure you know all about that.”
Kenny Powers: “Actually, I don’t. I play real sports, not trying to be the best at exercising.”
Kenny Powers: “Don’t want to break up the good time but I just saw two boys raping a sixth grader…I’m just kidding.”
Kenny Powers: “I’ve had a lot of memories in my life and sometimes you kind of have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones.”
Kenny Powers: “Alright, so let me get this straight, so I’m going to pay for a blow job and I got to pay for a god damn hotel room too?”
Kenny Powers: “And can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream? When I do you from behind?”
Kenny Powers: “I JUST HAVE A VERY HARD TIME EXPRESSING MY EMOTIONS! AND I CAN’T STOP FROM YELLING!!!”
Kenny Powers: “Sure I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. Honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That use to be called patriotism.”
Kenny Powers: “Fuck your siding! God has taken a dump on my face.”
Principal Cutler: “Settle down everyone that was Mr. Powers using some language that a bald eagle never uses.”
EPISODE TWO – NEXT CHAPTER
Kenny Powers: “You know that’s how the plague started back in the day. From a little disgusting bird bath in someone’s backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new set of AIDS.”
Kenny Powers: “One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a handsome amount of money and I brought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best fucking time they had ever seen.”
Kenny Powers: “How much ya’ll give me if I slam dunk this thing into the trash can?” (SLAM!)
Kenny Powers: “Don’t rev my shit. I’m trying to do something serious. I don’t need you going fucking Maverick on me.”
Clegg: “I was hanging out with those dudes in the parking lot.”
Kenny Powers: “Doing what? Giving Robocop a blow job?”
Kenny Powers: “There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it and that image, that one image, is your big tits.”
Kenny Powers: “If you won’t listen to my words, then listen to my dancing feet.”
Kenny Powers: “It was the egg rolls not the ecstasy.”
EPISODE THREE – THE THIRD CHAPTER
Kenny Powers: “Smashing a brick through a fucking dude’s window is nothing compared to the things I’ve done. I’ve killed people.”
Kenny Powers: “Alright, well I’m going to split because I have priors. See you at school.”
Kenny Powers: “Every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”
Kenny Powers: “You can smoke a peace pipe until your dick falls off but I ain’t dancing with no fucking wolves, no matter how high I get.”
Kenny Powers: “If there’s one thing I hate its losing. If there’s two things I hate its losing and getting cancer.”
College Scout: “Watch it prick!”
Stevie Janowski: “Watch it ass blood!”
Kenny Powers: “Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.”
EPISODE FOUR – ANOTHER CHAPTER
Kenny Powers: “Sitting here waving around her cervix like its the hottest ticket in town.”
Kenny Powers: “Honey I love you. I think you’re a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.”
Kenny Powers: “This is my boss. Don’t try and suck him off.”
Kenny Powers: “Decent cookout April. I don’t believe you’ve met my fuck buddy Tracy.”
EPISODE FIVE – THE FIFTH CHAPTER
Kenny Powers: “When my ass was 34 years-old I quit professional baseball. I haven’t played professionally for several years now, but in my heart I’ve quit for real this time. Tonight. It’s time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I’m back and nobody gives a shit. Therefore I will now settle into this new life. I’ll find new ways in which to use this arm. I’ll take my current responsibilities seriously. Try and do them the best I possibly can, realizing that the love of my life has chosen another I will move forward without her. I do all these things not because I want to but because I have to. From this moment forward Kenny Powers is just like everyone else. Normal, not special, no hopes or dreams, pretending to be happy when he’s really super sad. Just an average guy with exceptional hair. Nothing more, nothing less. From this moment forward The People’s Champion, The Shelby Sensation, The Reverse Apache Master, The Man With The Golden Dick, Doctor Cock And Balls, that Kenny Powers is now dead and he will never pick-up a baseball ever fucking again. Chapter 2, next chapter.
Kenny Powers: “I just figured I might as well look the part.”
April: “The part of what?”
Kenny Powers: “Just a normal regular teacher. No hopes or dreams, absolutely nothing. Just waiting to die. Just like you guys.”
Kenny Powers: “You want to fight you do it on your own time. In a parking lot somewhere, not in a school surrounded by books.”
Bodyguard: “This bar smells like an old lady farted piss.”
Ashley Schaeffer: “This isn’t a game anymore.”
Stevie Janowski: “I feel 10 feet tall right now and as strong as an ox.”
Reggie MacWorthy: “Who the fuck is this guy?”
Stevie Janowski: “Who the fuck are you?! Huh? Who the fuck are you?!”
EPISODE SIX – THE FINAL CHAPTER (OR IS IT???)
Kenny Powers: “April, I know all this OK, but I like hearing it so go on.”
Kenny Powers: “I wanted you to think you were coming with me. Consider it my final gift to you.”
Kenny Powers: “Little baby Rose, I’m sorry we didn’t get much of a chance to hang out. To be honest with you sometimes I forgot you even existed.”
Kenny Powers: “Alright you storked little bastard, in the computer room, little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there’s a stack of porn that will put calluses on those little hands of yours.”