Monthly Archives: April 2010

Jason Bourne’s Splinter Cell: Conviction (Demo) Review

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SCconPublished by: Ubisoft
Developed by: Ubisoft Montreal
Genre: Third-Person Action
When talks of a new “Splinter Cell” game started to circle awhile back my friends and I quickly grew excited at the notion of another kick-ass game featuring the legendary Sam Fisher. In 2005, “TC’s SC: Chaos Theory” pushed the capabilities of the original X-Box to the limit with incredible lighting and a unique multiplayer experience. You’ll find “Chaos Theory”  among my favorite games of all-time.

Wow! A lot can change in 5 years. With “Conviction” Ubisoft has really dropped the ball on what made “CT” something special. My friends were immediately turned off by the fact that the game no longer contains the “Spy” vs. “Merc” multiplayer and I was immediately turned off when I started playing the single person demo on X-Box Live. First of all after recently completing “Batman: Arkham Asylum” the only way I can compare the game controls of this to that is clunky. Even worse is a so called innovation called “Mark and Execute” that is just about as exciting as programming your DVR. Where “Batman: AA” might be one of the best action games ever made, “Conviction” doesn’t even feel like an action game but more like a lame step-by-step process of hide here, push B here, mark and execute there and then follow the signs to your goal. Is this a video game or a skills test for a kid being tested for Down Syndrome?

SCconmansionWHO

Infiltrate the mansion? How about “Don’t buy this game!”

You can’t really get a full sense of a video game’s story from a demo but you definitely can detect some awful voice acting (excluding Mr. Ironside), and given how amazing Splinter Cell CT’s graphics were on the X-Box, Conviction’s are really just kind of average. Now I have serious man-love for Michael Ironside but I don’t dig Sam Fisher’s new make-over giving him a more Damon look that I guess is suppose to give more identity, but all I keep thinking is “Matt Damon”.

Overall, “Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Conviction” is a sad experience and the fact that the average gamer can beat the game in just about 8 hours makes you wonder if you could spend $60 somewhere else.

DEMO TEST: FAIL 

Sunday Movie Marathon

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"It's nice outside, let's stay inside all day and watch movies!"

“It’s nice outside, let’s stay inside all day and watch movies!”

Sunday April 18, 2010 – I was actually surprised I got up by noon after going to bed sometime around 5am. I looked outside, saw a nice blue sky with some clouds and I thought to myself, “What a perfect day to stay inside watching movies!”

And so the Sunday Movie Marathon had begun:

SMMSecondSkinSecond Skin
Directed by: Juan Carlos Pineiro-Escoriaza
Rated: NR
Runtime: 94 mins

If you play video games on a regular basis they you will find something to relate to in this well made documentary about the lifestyles of people who play MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games). I’ve never even played a game like “World of Warcraft” but I’m very familiar with becoming obsessed with a video game. Currently I’ve spent over 4 days of my life playing “Modern Warfare 2”. Thanks a lot Infinity Ward. I don’t need to be reminded of this.
The film does a good job of showing why gamers love what they do and it also shows the resentment some experience when socially and physically a game starts to consume them. A very interesting film with a wide array of characters who reveal themselves as the gamers behind their avatars.

5 Night Elves out of 5

 

SMMInternationalThe International
Directed by: Tom Tykwer
Rated: R
Runtime: 118 mins

This film was beautifully shot and has cool music but it begins very slow, and at first I was starting to get tired of the over dramatic cold stares and “everything’s so serious” feeling the director was trying to jam down my throat. I thought, “Is Hollywood so desperate for new ideas that they’re now trying to make bankers scary?” I understand a bank foreclosing on your home is something no one wants to experience but does this really translate to the silver screen? However, in this film the bank wasn’t interested in that house at the end of your block with the overgrown lawn and boarded up windows, no instead, I guess to spice things up, the big bad bank in this movie was into selling missiles and trying to stage political coups.
BTW – could they make the title locators for all the destinations any smaller?
     So as much as the script and plot so far was well written and well organized I still didn’t give a fuck about the movie because the simply truth was that the movie was about bankers. Who cares? Never once did I feel any suspense or fear from a bunch of pompous guys in suits. But then the film did a good job at spelling out one important thing: “Banks only make money when’s there debt”. And it was here the movie finally started getting interesting. You see, I never took an economics class in college so things like this are interesting to me.
I know I might get flamed for saying this and believe me when I tell you that I’m a James Bond fan, but Clive Owen as an Interpol agent is about as close to how a “real” James Bond would truly act if a “real” SPECTRE existed. There are some over-the-top moments in the movie, most notably a huge shoot-out at The Guggenheim museum but it was clear that that scene was but in and probably extended to keep the action hungry fans of this film’s demographic satisfied. Conspiracy theorists who talk of how evil banks are still have their heads up their asses though. Look, we need banks. We need credit cards. They let us do stuff they we otherwise couldn’t at that moment in time, but falling into a world of loans and debts is much like drinking, where over-indulgence and going beyond your limit is what will always get you in trouble.

3 World Banks out of 5

 

SMMRedneckZRedneck Zombies
Directed by: Perciles Lewnes
Rating: NR
Runtime: 90 mins

This was shot on video? Really? Did you even want to put some effort into this project? I mean c’mon the dumbest most generic kid from a local high school AV club could’ve made a better piece of shit than this. Poorly written, bad jokes, lame special effects, music composed straight from a Casio keyboard, horrible acting and terribly shot, everything and I mean everything to describe this waste of time screams cheap and awful.
The plot revolves around a rural community in Maryland that has a thriving moonshine economy that becomes quickly in danger when a missing barrel of toxic waste enters the picture. And then….actually who gives a fuck? I’m not going to waste your time.
The editing and what I guess I should call sound design is truly some of the worst I’ve ever seen and heard. The film does feature a pointless PSA by a creepy tobacco merchant with a bag over his head, a character who’s a mixture between the late Billy Mays and Marty DiBergi, and plenty of custom made T-Shirts that are some kind of attempt at humor. The excessive blood and gore gets old fast and can only be judged as amateur and tasteless. Now, I’m all about movies that are so bad that they are good, but this trash is simply unforgivable.
“Sometimes life sucks.” – Jed (Pa) Clemson
Yes, Jed sometimes it does

0 Bad Make-Up Jobs out of 5 – BTW – there is no chick in the movie as hot as the chick on the cover of the box. The film actually contains the worst pair of 80’s tits I’ve ever seen and that’s the only piece of nudity in the film, so don’t even attempt watching this if you think you’re going to get some gratuitous T&A.

 

SMMLawnmanWHOThe Lawnmower Man (1992)
Directed by: Brett Leonard
Rated: R
Runtime: 107 mins

I remember seeing this for the first time back in my high school days and after witnessing that abortion that was “Redneck Zombies” I was looking forward to something that I knew I would enjoy, and thankfully this movie has held up over time. Yeah, it’s pretty funny what everyone back in the ’90’s use to think about what virtual reality and cyber-space would be in the future, and yes you can probably create better graphics on your Mac than what was featured in this film but give the movie a break it was made back in 1992 and you have to admire the technological envelope it was pushing.
I mean c’mon the film has Pierce Bronson in his before James Bond days as an ambitious, edgy and hard drinking scientist with an earring and a swanky leather jacket. The film also has the legend of ’90’s B-movies in Jeff Fahey who plays the lead role and has a striking resemblance to Trey Parker from “South Park” fame. Overall the film is cool and unique. It reminds me of another film I saw recently called “Altered States” where the goal seems to escape from a true reality instead of embracing it, but this kind of extra dimension stuff always fascinates me. However, one thing I did find troubling was the over abundant shots of both Bronson and Fahey basically doing everything with their shirts off, but that’s nit-picking on a film that’s one of a kind and a delightful trip back to the early 1990’s.

3 Big Red’s out of 5

 

SMMSomersaultSomersault (2004)
Directed by: Cate Shortland
Rating: NR
Runtime: 101 mins

“Somersault” is an Australian film that throws you right into the harsh and sometimes brutal world of a young girl who gets caught seducing her Mom’s live-in boyfriend and then runs away from home. The first thing I learned from the this film was that if you’re a hot young girl you’ll never be homeless, because they are more than enough guys out there willing to give shelter to a lonely and lost girl.
The film has superb acting and honest character development and nudity…yes some very fine nudity. There’s an interesting plot twist that is guaranteed to catch you off guard but the strongest part of the film is the way it shows how people express and deal with their emotions. It’s funny that I don’t have as much to say about “Somersault” as I do compared to the other films I’ve reviewed so far, maybe it’s because this movie really sucks you in right from the beginning. I can’t remember the last time before this film that I really cared about what happened to the characters involved. The film ends in a way that Hollywood would never allow but it ends in the way that it would and should.

4 Kids with Asperger’s out of 5

Quick Sunday Movie Marathon Recap
1 Amazing Movie
1 Great Movie
2 Good Movies
1 Thing that I can’t allow myself to all a movie and I hope that everyone involved with the production of it dies in a grease fire.

 

Batman: Arkham Asylum Review

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BatmanAAbox

Published by: Eidos Interactive
Developed by: Rocksteady Studios
Genre: Action

The funny thing is, is that last year when “Batman: Arkham Asylum” came out I was playing “Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2”, and while MUA2 is average at best, Batman AA is a down right video game masterpiece. Rocksteady Studios has made the greatest video game ever based on a comic book character. Yes, it’s even better than “Wolverine: Origins”.

"Why so serious, Bats?"

“Why so serious, Bats?”

Some have called this game “Bioshock Batman” because the feeling and mood of Arkham Asylum as you wander around as The Dark Knight closely resembles that of Rapture, but this is only a testament to the immersion the gamer experiences. You will really feel like Batman playing this game, whether you’re taking out 20 thugs in a combo filled slugfest or attacking from the shadows like an invisible predator. While I never mastered the skull crushing combos of the game’s combat system, I wasn’t bothered by it because its very easy to pick-up and execute. However, this doesn’t mean you’re just mashing buttons because you need to be dedicated and quite skillful in order to excel at it. I, on the other hand felt alive as Batman by performing the stealth moves in the game. To me nothing defines Batman more than a silent takedown, especially an inverted takedown.

Batman = Inverted Takedown

Batman = Inverted Takedown

There are also tons of riddles for Gotham’s favorite detective to solve which helps break-up the pacing of the game. And there are gadgets. “Where does he get those wonderful toys?” You’ll have Batman’s whole utility belt at your disposal giving this action filled game even more depth. There are literally thousands and thousands of ways to take out the goons and crazies of Arkham.

Technically speaking “Batman: Arkham Asylum” is also one of the most finely polished titles in years. The sound and voice-acting are just ridiculous. Mark Hamill might actually go down in history better known as the voice of The Joker than as Luke Skywalker. His performance in this game outshines the live action performance of Heath Ledger. The visuals for the game are incredible, very detailed environments add to the over-all creepiness and little things like the tearing of Batman’s cape and suit are unique and cool. There is also a “Detective Mode” much similar to Wolverine’s “Feral Sense” in his game that adds an extra dimension that comes in handy when trying to solve puzzles or eliminate a room full of bad guys.

Kicked in the head falling on the floor.

Kicked in the head, falling on the floor.

The music in “Arkham Asylum” is on par with anything from the cinema and captures the mood perfectly. The story is well written and the weaving of Batman’s multiple villains in and out of the plot is done without feeling forced. Whether its a showdown with Bane, a trip with The Scarecrow or the end battle with The Joker, “Batman: Arkham Asylum” features Bob Kane’s iconic hero at the top of his game and provides a universe of pleasure for comic and video game fans everywhere.

5 Adam Wests out of 5

“Withnail and I” Review

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WITHNAIL AND I (1986)
Directed by: Bruce Robinson
Rated: R
Runtime: 107 min

I’ve drank a lot of alcohol in my years and I’ve seen a lot of movies too, and without question or comparison the film “Withnail and I” is the best…and I mean the best drinking movie ever made. It’s #1 without a doubt and to see my other all-time favorite drinking movies just click HERE. 

Withnail LightWHO

Out of booze? Drink lighter fluid.

The film is set at the end of the ’60’s in a crappy part of London called Camden Town where two out of work actors are trying (not too hard) to find meaning in their lives. The plot basically revolves around the two main characters from the title doing whatever they can to secure another drink, whether its selling out your friend for sexual favors from a homosexual uncle or taking advantage of a drunk war veteran bartender. There’s a lot going on here and it’ll easily take at least 2 – 3 viewings before you take it all in. In fact for the normal “sober” viewer the first 20 minutes of this film will probably make absolutely no sense at all. I confess, the first time I saw Withnail’s opening kitchen scene I was like “What the fuck is going on? This movie is totally ridiculous.” But what’s great about this film is that it just presents these crazy situations to the viewer without having to spell it out for them. It’s almost like you’re the third roommate in the most insane apartment in London. 

Withnail moneyWHOBuy new boots or go get drunk? Stupid question!

The film eventually makes its way out to the English countryside but “Withnail” (played by Richard E. Grant in the best drunk performance ever) and “I” (played by Paul McGann, and who’s character is supposedly named Marwood) have no intention of slowing down their alcohol fueled binge. However, like every great bender the glass or the bottle eventually runs dry and as much fun and mayhem that “Withnail and I” provides the ending of the film is really kind of sad. But sad in a very powerful and moving way, where Grant’s character finally comes to terms with who he is and how the world sees him.

5 Camberwell Carrots out of 5

In fact the final scene of “Withnail and I” even inspired me to make my own short film as kind of a tribute to it. But please definitely check out “Withnail and I” before clicking below. And by no means am I trying to say I can hold a pint to the original star of one of my favorite movies of all-time.

EMPTY SPACES: A TRIBUTE TO “WITHNAIL AND I”